Late on this one, I just got back from Mexico. What a beautiful place. I wrote this on the flight there.
The fall season has arrived. The foliage is here. The colors are beautiful. I've put my mower away for the season. The hoodies have been airing out. I've put the camp shirts in storage. As the season changes, I've realized that Summer came and went. From the end of June to September, there wasn't a day that I didn't cry. There were moments when I missed who I was with. Missed that familiar face coming over or their text notifications showing up on my phone. The moment from letting this one person know everything about you to them becoming a stranger. That moment alone is shocking.
Those four months of being in the unknown felt like I was being crushed. Felt like I was being played with. It didn't feel real. Unfortunately, it was very real. Very true. Very uncomfortable.
I made it a goal to figure out what I was needing. Where did I fail? What can I control? What can I hold myself accountable for? What made me happy? All I wanted was to feel at peace. Feel rested. Feel whole. I was losing myself. I walked on broken glass.
What did I need? Understanding of my situation. It's not only me I'm worried about, but I'm also a father first. I can't just focus on me and my partner. I have two girl's emotions I have on my shoulders.
I needed to feel confident again. I needed my partner to be confident in themselves. I needed to not feel like I'm playing catch-up. I made mistakes in the past that didn't stay in the past. I felt like they were a thin film over our relationship, like that film on top of cheesecake.
How do I find peace? Step away from the unnecessary noise. Journal your thoughts. Express your hurts. Don't assume everyone knows your needs. Be present. Be available. Smile more. I'm a joy for those around me. I need to believe that I deserve to be in the rooms I'm in. I have a tattoo on my right shin of a pinky promise. It represents two things: don't lose yourself. Stay centered. I can't share the second reason. It's not necessary.
Now, I'm resting and enjoying myself again. Being intentional with my time.
Enjoying my home. Enjoying time with my kids, their friends, and my nieces. Loving the time at basketball practice. Wednesday basketball will forever be fulfilling to me. I'm not a captain anymore, but I'm feeling free. Embracing the advice and playing with joy. Playing without a care in the world. This has been showing results. 4.4 points per game, 3 rebounds per game, and 4 assists per game (I made up the last two stats). I'm shooting and making the other team regret playing off of me.
I'm whole. I'm free. I'm relaxed. I'm hurting.
The hurt comes from the unknown. The hurt comes from the pattern that needed to be stopped. The hurt comes from the fact that I let people use me until I can't take any more and cut them off, and yet I end up being the bad guy. The hurt comes from the disrespect I've experienced. From using my people to making my home feel unsafe. I'm hurt, but I'm not hurting others. I'm learning from the hurt.
October was beautiful to me. I'm beginning to smile again. I'm beginning to laugh again. I'm beginning to feel like myself. I'm feeling lighter. I'm more confident in myself than ever before. I acknowledge what I lost, but also am loving who I've gained in return.
I stayed centered. I stayed true.
Peace
