Choices

I was going to post a bit more about my dad today. But this situation came up, and I just had to get it off my chest. It may sound angry, bitter, and frustrated; that's because I am. 

We all make them. Some are easy, senseless choices. There are choices that can change the life of those around you completely. Those choices are not ones you make without weighing your options. Those choices have consequences. Those choices are extremely hard.

When I got my divorce, I chose my happiness. After years of couples therapy, years of feeling small, feeling inadequate, I chose myself. But I also made sure that my kids were a priority, and they knew that this decision wasn't their fault.

During the separation, I moved to my first apartment, and it was 10 minutes away from my kids. Why? Because I chose to be close to them so I can be to them at any given time. 

The marriage seemed to be doing better through the separation, so I chose to move back in. Unfortunately, it didn't work as planned. Once again, I moved out. For good this time. I knew my worth and knew what needed to be done.

Again, I moved 10 minutes away from the kids. Made sure that this apartment was big enough for all of us. I chose to put my kids first. Their needs, their wants, their emotions. They came first. When I fell in love, I had to make a choice: when do I bring her into the fold of my life? It took me a while. I was hesitant about it because what if it doesn't work? What if I introduce her to all my people and it ends? What if my kids get attached and she ends up hurting them? What if?! It took me a while to introduce her to anyone. But when I did, it felt great. It felt natural. She fit in.

Fast forward 3 years. The choices I have made have hurt those around me. I will live with that choice. That choice stings. But I can live with it. Now here are the choices I have made because of that: I need to improve myself as a person, father, and lover. I need to become less defensive, more vulnerable, and ready for connection. Since I can't uproot my life, I'm making my life better. I didn't choose to run away and avoid the difficult conversations. I faced them head-on. 

Now here is where we differ. 

You chose to avoid my kids and me. You chose to spend time with my friends before you left. You chose to spend time with my family and dog before you left. You chose to have your cake and eat it too. I wasn't given much of a choice. I just had to deal with it. Now, in a new city, you're choosing to reach out to my friends and use them as a resource to get your life to where you want it to be. That's not right. You chose to shun me from your friends. You told me to “leave things here" with your dad when I asked for his number. You allowed your cousin to use me; you chose not to stand up for me with her. Your mom has chosen to continue a relationship with me; the irony. I appreciate that.

Your decisions have hurt many people. You've left me to clean up the mess you've left. Nearly 4 months have passed; I'm here continuing to decide what's best for others. I wanted help making decisions and was left to clean up after choices I didn’t make. I am continuing to hold my kids at night because of the pain that was caused. "None of this is your fault. I'm sorry you're a victim of my choices. I'm sorry to have put you through this again.” I'm choosing to continue to step up for them.
You've made your choice. You went to a new city for a "fresh start.” Now do that without using my resources to get ahead. I've worked extremely hard to gain those friendships. Those friendships mean the world to me; they don't deserve to be used so that you can get a feel for your new city. Choices come with repercussions. Your choices hurt me and my kids. You don’t get to do that.

It's a choice.

I gave you everything I could. I made that choice. I can’t do that anymore. That’s my choice.

Peace