Boundaries With Dad

Dad,

I reached out to you a week ago; you responded with a voice message on WhatsApp, and let me tell you, hearing your voice brought me to tears. I’m in the back of this Honda Accord heading to San Luis Obispo, and I’m just crying. I heard joy in your voice. I heard pain in your voice. I heard how much life has beaten you down. Man, I missed your voice. I wonder if we sound the same. I wonder if you hear the same things in my voice after so many years without speaking. 

My dream situation with you would be for you to be a healthy person in my life. Right now, I don't need a father figure. I'm not looking for advice or direction. I'd just want you to be there. Ask me about my kids. Ask about my life. Be curious about what life without you has looked like. I’d like you to understand what you've missed because of your choices. Kind of like what I'm going through right now. My choices have put me in a position where I don't know what the future looks like. I broke the heart of a woman I loved and who loved me deeply. This decision has forced me to look inwards. That's where you come in. I'm reconnecting with you so that I can soften my gaze, ease my mind, loosen up, allow myself to feel again, to just be kind to myself. Validate myself. I want to see what everyone else sees.

My boundaries: don't ask me for money. Don't tell me to be your messenger. For example, I'm here for us. Not for you to try and rekindle anything with my Mom. Don't manipulate me. If you don't have answers, that's okay. I will show you respect. I hope you do the same. I don't want you to act as if you know what we've gone through for the last 20 years. Be open to what my truth is. We will be getting uncomfortable. I'm already uncomfortable. I loved you so much. You were my dude. I looked up to you. I wanted to be you. Make you proud. Hear that YOU are proud of me. Be loved by you. Once we get deeper into our relationship, maybe I'll create more boundaries, but for now, this is what I want. You don't have to accept them, but I'd like you to just understand them.

This shit is hard.

In your message, you said I looked “lindo" and you seemed proud. You seemed genuine. I truly hope you've softened up with your age. Unlike your father. He was tough until his last days. I hope you were able to get closure or understanding with him. That's what I'm looking for from you. It won't come overnight. I understand that. It'll take many phone calls, many attempts, but if you're willing to put in the work, I will too. I want you to meet my kids. Camila and Elena deserve to have a Grandfather. They're amazing young ladies. I know you'd love them. They're a spitting image of me. Which means they look like you. 

I love these damn kids, and they love me; they're my top priority. I've worked very hard to be a safe person for them. I've put my blood, sweat, and tears, and lost my hair over being their protector. I've literally drained my bank account for them to be happy, and we can have what we have today. I'll do it again if they need me to. To be honest here, I've dedicated my life to them. Do I know what I'm doing? Nope. But I'm just showing up for them the way I needed someone to show up for me as a kid. And that's it.

Dad, I know your life wasn't easy. I know you did what you could for us, and to be honest, as a kid I wasn't missing anything materialistic. New shoes, clothes, the newest toys, video games. We had it all. I just needed love, care, interest, and affection. Are you able to provide that now? I truly hope so.

Peace