Thinking Positively

The kids started school today, my nieces, and my girls basketball team did too. There was so much joy around the day. Sharing pictures throughout the day of their first day outfits was so precious to see. I was battling all day with my mind and trying to stay in the moment through it all. Proud of creating the community of parents that share their kid's updates with me and how they have trust me to be a positive influence with their kids. Then there's my kids who I have given my all to. I know how to be a great father, I know how to be a safe space for them, and I know how to support them. Now I need to transfer all those skills to my love life. What does that look like? Understanding, being kind, soften up. Listen, process, and not react.

I had therapy. I shared my last post with her. She shared that my writing is deeply emotional. She shared that you can feel through the screen. I wish my high school English teacher would have provided the same feedback. I think I would have cared a bit more about school. I didn't even care to write my name on anything. That's how hard it was for me to write. Anyway, I shared my post with her and we talked through it. I shared how I WANTED to send the video to you. How I wanted to showcase the updates I did in the house, how I want to call you. I shared a story I made up; on August 31st I saw a Uhaul pull up to our house and we start our life together again. I can dream.

My therapist shared that I CAN send the video to you about the kids. You were a safe space for them. You are a guardian to them. She shared that they had a difficult time expressing how they felt about you, That's partly my fault. That I could respond to your email and how we're both just figuring it all out. My hopes are that we get back together after time and space. My wish is that you see me become the man you've always deserved. But if none of that happens, I'll be the best man I can be for myself and those around me. 

As you know I started playing basketball again. I didn't know how much I needed that when I left the league a few months ago. This Wednesday I didn't want to go. I was in a dark place. I wrote, I read, I managed my breathing and still, in a dark place. But I got off the couch, threw the ball with Omar and went on my way to the game. I called my mom on the way, she has been trying her best to get me through all of this. I can tell she's hurting too. I'll speak about her another day. 

I cried on the phone because I have a lot of questions. I want to understand the quick decision to leave. I want to understand why this decision is so strong. Who's helping you? Who's influencing you? Just questions. My Mom says to not worry about that, but I just want to help. I just want to be involved. I know I can't. I know these questions are rhetorical and just for me (and now whoever is reading this).

I got to the gym and it was all love. I walked in and everyone was just happy to see me. Just excited that I was back. All of these men gave me hugs and daps. They really lifted me up. Life is dark currently, but I am truly blessed. Blessed for the community and connections I've created on and off the court. Now, I'm NOT good at basketball. But it's a place of freedom for me. I scored 4 points this game and the cheers and roars I received when I made a good play or after scoring was so fulfilling. They could be making fun of me or could be honestly excited that I'm shooting the ball. Just beautiful moments.

All I wanted to do after the game was call you. Laugh about the game and hear your support. Instead I listened to the Pablo Torre Finds Out podcast, a podcast you didn't like. It helped me think of other things.

Positives, being a safe space for the kids. I see it and I know it. The way they're open with me. The way they can just be free around me. I will continue to foster that. My friends who've reached out daily to see how I'm doing. Basketball. And then this, writing my thoughts. Being expressive. Being emotional. I know I'm aware of my emotions, but now I need to learn and understand how to be emotionally AVAILABLE. What does that look like? I'll know more about that.

Peace