Hard Reset — Slim Jimmy Productions

Over the last few months I've been detached. Spending life checking off boxes to make sure I'm completing tasks. Not being present in life and taking it all as it comes. With the detachment came stress, staying wound up too tightly, and focusing on things I couldn't control. It was exhausting. I lost myself. I lost my love. Because of me, I just lost.

These last few months I've been trying to balance learning from my mistakes, being transparent, staying authentic, and feeling my feelings. Understanding them, embracing them, and sharing them. I've been writing daily. Writing and typing up whatever comes to mind. It's been scary. But necessary. My head is a treasure.

My detachment allowed me to mask the difficult conversations. Avoid the tough questions. And stay on the surface. This also resulted in coasting through life. But what kind of life was I creating for myself and those around me?

I lost a love that I wasn't ready to foster. I lost a love that I didn't properly support. I lost a type of love that I've never had before. The love of someone who gave you everything. Shined during your darkest times, poured more and more into you when you had nothing to give, elevated you when you couldn't. I pushed that love away. I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to get to that point. This year could have been so different if I could have just talked to her. Opened up. Break down my walls. Share. Love. Care. Embrace.

The algorithm really knows too much. Listening to music the other night and your once favorite artist comes on and the song just says what I'm feeling. I feel like I'm out of time.

I don't want to focus on the negatives, I've done that for far too many years. Something I'm proud of and have heard many people say about me is that; “I learn from my mistakes.” And I do. I have always wanted to do better, evolve and grow. This current heartbreak has provided me with an avenue of self reflection. Why I did things the way I did? How could I have changed the outcome? All she wanted was time with you. Reflection, I'm proud of myself for not avoiding those memories and feelings that come with it. Shame, doubt, and confusion. Why am I this way?

My father provided me with confidence while at the same time making me feel small and unwanted. Growing up and seeing him be able to be the focal point of any room he was in was powerful. Hearing his laugh move from room to room. Even smelling him. He was confidence. But that's not the confidence he gave me. I walk into a room and want to go to a corner. It takes time for me to open up. After a night of socializing, I need some quiet time.

The confidence my father gave me was being able to fix anything. Give myself a fighting chance. We used to watch Bob Villa or “The New Yankee Workshop" on cable. It was boring to me. Let me watch X-Men or something. But that knowledge and ability to get your hands dirty, allows me to fix things myself and understand what I can take on or not. I remodeled and updated many things at Mom's house, my previous home, even at the apartment I lived in when maintenance was taking its sweet time. I checked YouTube and it was off to the races.

In 2024 I bought my current home with the idea that it would be perfect for a growing family of 4 with a little dog. The kids have their own bedrooms, a yard, a basement and 2 bathrooms. A huge improvement from being in a 700 Sqft apartment. This home is perfect for us. Given my impulsive thoughts, this plan changed. Our future changed. It’s become ambiguous. But my plan for this house to become a place for us and our family hasn't changed.

I took time off from work to focus on myself, focus on reflection and rediscovery. During this time, I was able to remodel the basement bathroom. Slim Jimmy's Home Improvements came in clutch. I painted, built the vanity, a little linen closet, installed a new toilet, installed a new hotel mirror, connected a new faucet, and even was able to update the electrical switch with help from the homies at “This Old House” Youtube channel. This update made a huge difference in this home. Made the bathroom more appealing and less grimy. The kids were proud of me, I was proud of me. I’ve been productive. I’ve been intentional with my changes.

This week I also worked on teaching my little one how to ride a bike. She asked me if she could ride her bike without training wheels. I said of course, let's go ride it right now. It was 100+ degrees outside. It didn't matter. We tried for 30 minutes and decided to take a break. We went inside and just like when I watched Bob Villa with my dad, I turned on YouTube and we saw how others were learning how to ride bikes. We tried that the following day and boom, she was feeling it. A few days later, we went to Adams Park and she was gone. She was so proud of herself. She learned a new skill and wanted to show everyone. She asked me to take a video of her and share it. Share it with you. That broke me. I'm being resilient. I'm overcoming pain. I'm fighting. Surviving.

My father gave me an example of what not to do. Moving away from what I saw as a kid, teen, and young adult. I learned from his mistakes. I'm trying to understand my codependency. Trying to understand my family dysfunction. One codependency that I have is being antidependent. I don't NEED help. I got it. I'll handle it. I'll always figure it out no matter how exhausting it all is.

That's not the right mindset. Ask for help, be vulnerable, be open. It's okay to get help. Which brings me to today. I have asked so many people for help recently. Either by spending time with me, talking on the phone for hours, or just texting back and forth from across the world. It's been beautiful. Thank you to the homies in LA, San Francisco, Chicago, London, Germany, and right here are home, Omaha. You have been life savers. Special shout out to my therapist. She has been a godsend during this time.

One homie suggested the movie “Swingers" because the main character is going through a heartbreak. I watched it today and 2 minutes into it, it hit.

Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her?

Rob: You don't call.

Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her.

Rob: Right.

Mike: So I don't call either way?

Rob: Right.

Mike: So what's the difference?

Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.

Swingers is full of quotables.

“You miss the pain for the same reason you missed her, because you lived with it for so long"

I'm writing this for myself. I'm expressing myself for myself. I'm posting this so that in a year I can go back and read where I was. I know that in the future I will be in a better place. A healed person. A safe space. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know I will be better because of it. I'm not giving up on us, I'm choosing myself to be better for what the future holds for us.

I'll finish here; as I continue to work on myself and I'm ready to apply those changes to us, ready to work on us. There's no ideal way to do this, I'm figuring it all out. In order for me to do that, I decided to speak to my dad again to get some type of clarity, a relationship, something. I am curious right now. Curiosity has scared me for years. I DON’T like rejection, I might not like the answer you give me, so I avoid being curious. But being curious is also a vulnerability. That’s new for me. I may not get the answers I need, if anything, we'll be able to be cordial again. My plan is to just talk. Just put all my feelings out there and if I get shut down for some reason, hey, at least I tried. If it does all work out, I have him there as needed. I could start asking for his help, ask for his advice, and hopefully he can become that grandfather my kids don't have. The relationship will have many boundaries, but it'll be a relationship nonetheless. I'm willing to try. I'm willing to put my all in this. I'm willing to stay true and authentic to myself. Honestly, I miss my dad.

Peace