Retracing My Steps

Our relationship never recovered after New Year's Eve. I broke your trust and we never healed from that. Should I have been communicating with other women the way that I was? No. Was there an intention of being unfaithful? Absolutely not. Did I reassure your pain? No. I didn't hold myself accountable for my actions. I became defensive. I didn't hear you. I didn't validate you. I didn't want to understand what I did wrong. I just disregarded everything and continued to believe that “this is who I am." 

Over the years I have connected more with women than with men. Growing up, men that were supposed to take care of me, disappointed me, hurt me and left me. We all know what my dad did as a kid. But also, my uncles. They were never safe people. I had a couple of uncles who were alcoholics. I don't remember them being sober at all. Another uncle lived too far away from the family where we only saw him twice a year if that, and he was a full on jokester. You could never take him seriously. Then there were the cousin uncles and all that, their true colors came out when we moved to Iowa. They never spoke to us again. 

Basically, what does a relationship with an adult male look like? Alcoholics, distant, and untrustworthy. That's all I knew. On the other hand, there was strength, triumph, and love on the women's side of the family. I gravitated towards that feeling. They felt safe. Also, after my dad was deported, I was the only male in the family. 

It was easy to connect with women especially since it was platonic. I understood them. I guess it was easier since I was always in the friend zone. But at the time when these things happened, I didn't care. I just needed friends. I needed a connection. Needed understanding. They provided that. 

Fireworks going off as I was walking home from the party we were just at.

I lost your trust on New Year's Eve. We were drunk and I shared my phone with you. In my mind I had nothing to hide. I still believe that. But you saw my text messages and Instagram DMs and it was devastating. The flirtatious side of me came out when it shouldn't have. I was curious about why I was getting this attention. I enjoyed it. “Oh something new”, I thought. But I shouldn't have thought that at all. You were all I needed. You provided me with everything. Love, support, words of affirmation, everything!

We were under the influence when you approached me about it. I immediately shut down and manipulated the situation. I wish we could have spoken about that later. We never did. We went home. You immediately packed your bags, put them in your car, and I cried in your arms.

That was it. That's where it ended. But it wasn't the end. You always looked over my shoulder when I was texting, you kept track of my friend's list on Instagram, I could feel the dark cloud above us. I wish we could have talked about that. I wish we could have just been open about the hurt. I wish I wouldn't have broken your trust. I wish I would have done more for you and your heart. 

Showing you compassion would have been a start. Understanding the hurt I put you through. I remember what you said to me in that bathroom and the pain you had in your eyes, “you ruined it." I thought to myself, “ruined what?" 

Instead of being defensive I should have immediately apologized, held myself accountable for the broken trust. Then seeked your understanding and confronted the problem head on. I like attention and I felt like I was missing it.

All you asked from me was care and sincerity. I threw that away because I wanted that attention. I thrived for attention. Attention I didn't have as a kid. When I did get attention it was because I made a mistake or I wasn't doing well in school. For the most part I was disregarded. So when another person provided me with attention I felt great! As you know I said “I STILL got it!" I still did. You gave me that attention. I should have cared. 

A lot of reflecting has been done over the last few weeks. Realizing where I was at fault, where I need to improve, where I didn't even try. I'm sorry that it took me this long for me to figure out what I was. To figure out what was important. What I should have said or done better. I'm sorry it took me until our relationship was non-existent for me to realize what you meant to me and my family. I'm sorry I didn't give you my all. Now you're gone and I may never see you again. That's how the cookie crumbles. I deserve that. 

Selfishly I don't want you to leave. I wish you were here with me. I wish I could wake up from this nightmare. I wish I could go back in time. I wish for a lot of things. To see your smile again, hear your laugh, to smell your perfume, to argue with you, be indecisive about dinner. Just be. I've come to realize that what I want isn’t important now especially after I hurt you the way I did. I know you'll do great things in Chicago. I know you'll bloom like you deserve. My dark cloud has been holding you back for far too long. Most importantly, I wish you well. I love you.