Since ‘88
I have deleted a lot of past posts that I wrote while I was angry or hurt. I won't post them. They don’t need to be out in the world. The reasons why we didn’t call for your birthday, why I didn’t send the playlist I talked about, and why I feel resentment will forever stay in my Google Docs. It's unfortunate, because I want to share my point of view on everything.
I could not stand being in the house as much as I have been. I needed to get out. I booked another flight to LA. This time it was more about me than anyone else. The only plan I had was to go to a Dodgers game. I don't like travelling to LA, but I needed to do it. Chicago isn’t a place I'll visit anytime soon. In the past, I shared with you that a dream of mine was to live in Chicago; the big city feel mixed with the small-town feel makes it a perfect place for me. Based on the current situation, I don’t want to go back. Anyway, back to LA, I texted the homies telling them I’d be coming to town, and they were loving it. I bought my Dodgers game ticket, booked a hotel, and we were off.
On Friday, 8/4, I was getting ready for the day. I went to my bathroom, started my shower, opened up Spotify, and I saw a little notification. I clicked on it, and it was a new follower. I thought to myself, “What a worthless feature. We have too much access to what we are doing. Who is it?! Why do I have a new follower?” It was you. My goodness. What the hell is going on?! Why?! You asked for time and space; now you are creating an unsafe space for me. I have left you alone; I have given you the space you wanted; I have given you that distance. Yes, at the beginning, I sent you a couple of emails responding to your note. I thought it was important. Then we argued through another thread where you said: “let's act like it didn’t happen.” Fine. It didn't happen, but you meant everything you said. Cool, bet. Now here we are. I finished my shower and went through my day. I can’t give energy to what you are doing. All I am doing is trying to heal and be gentle to myself, and to focus on what I can control.
Told the homies what had happened; they were confused too. I went for a bike ride. I shared with Max what I had been dealing with, he shook his head. Here is what I want; just say what you want. Stop messing with my head. Do you miss me? Tell me. You want to make this work? Tell me. During our last phone call, I told you that I took your time in Chicago as a little separation. Yes, I know you want to have a fresh start, maybe I made your decision feel small when I said this, I said “I’m taking this break as a separation. I feel like you’ll be back and we’ll be stronger than ever.” You snickered at me; you laughed at me, and not with me. It was an odd reaction. I didn’t like it.
My head is fried right now. My heart is shattered. What the hell do I do?!
The bike ride was beautiful. Off to the airport.
At the airport, I checked my Spotify again; you unfollowed me. My goodness. Okay then. I don’t understand this in the slightest.
The top part was written on September 7th. This part of the post was written on October 8th.
That's all done. I won’t understand the thought process. I’ll respect it.
My time in Los Angeles was beautiful. I went to the Mecca, Dodgers Stadium. Chavez Ravine, with all of its bad history, is a beautiful place. Los Angeles has changed so much over the last few years. It doesn’t feel the same for me, but I have people I love there. I immediately went to see them. My girl Barbara and Neel showed so much love. They knew exactly what to say and what I needed. They hugged me and just embraced me. Holland. What a sweetheart. She showed me love too, “Uncle Julio”; it's a title I don’t take lightly. It's my responsibility.
As I shared earlier, my plan was to spend time with my family and go to Dodgers games. That's it. No need to sightsee, no need to go to the beach, no need for anything. I did end up going to Erewhon. My coworker said I HAD to get the Hailey Bieber smoothie. I did. I LOVED IT! It was absolutely delicious. I cannot believe it costs $20 though. In the Uber to Erewhon, I had a wonderful conversation with the driver; her name was Brittany. I got into the car and said, “Good Morning.” She was listening to “Used” by SZA featuring Don Toliver.
I asked her if she was a “Sad Girlie” because I couldn’t listen to this right now. She laughed, and the next song was Ari Lennox. Good Lord. This woman was trying me! We talked all the way to my destination. She shared her personal story; she is suicidal and has had a difficult last few months. I heard her story; I shared how she has beautiful energy. I shared that in the short drive, I saw her worth; I see what she means to people, and shared how she has made me feel. How she made me smile when life has been dark. She shared that her grandmother passed away… I asked her if it was in LA. She said, “No… in Chicago”. Fuck me, man. What are the odds?
I shared my current pain. She provided some advice, and then said that she sees things. I asked, “What do you see now?” We pulled up to Erewhon. She said, “You have made my day. I love your energy; thank you for saying ‘Good morning’. Thank you for listening. What do I see now? You will be married and happy in 5 years. I feel it.” I teared up in her Volkswagen. We dapped up, and I continued my journey.
After Erewhon, I walked down to the Stussy store. Heaven. On my walk, I passed a furniture store; a homie was standing outside of it and asked for a favor. He wanted me to help him load his brand new furniture into his truck. I helped him but said, “We are NOT pulling the ‘Silence Of The Lambs’ trick here! You’re going in first.” We laughed, and he thanked me for the help. It was refreshing walking down Fairfax and helping folks, seeing the community, the culture, the change, the lines to get into stores. I miss that part of life. Being excited about purchasing something, waiting in line with homies with the same interests as you.
I went to two Dodger games. The second one was the most important to me. I asked Neel if he was able to just spend the day with me. He was free! I went to his home for breakfast; Barbara and her Mom made us a Belizean breakfast. I was in heaven. I talked to Holland, enjoyed my time with Barbara as usual.
With Neel, we went on a drive. The only thing on the agenda was a haircut for his bald ass and the baseball game. This dude makes me feel absolutely comfortable. He has so much love. We just connect. It’s astonishing how much love we have for each other. I love this man. Truly. After his haircut, I shared with him that I saw an ad for a Fast and Furious Exhibit and that I’d like to see it. So off we went. On our drive, we talked about family, frustrations, and we joked about what I would say when I went up to a woman I was interested in. Just jokes! We laughed hard.
The museum was amazing, Paul Walker’s car, Vin Diesel’s, and even was able to see Fernando Alonso’s F1 Aston Martin Car! BLISS. Those cars are enormous.
After the museum, we were hungry. I wanted a lil sweet treat. He wanted apple pie. So we went to “The Apple Pan” for apple pie! I had heard about this place before; I had seen it on YouTube for its burgers. I was hyped! We HAD to get a burger. THE BEST BURGER I HAVE EVER HAD. The whole time Neel and I were together, all we did was laugh. It was exactly what I needed. It filled my empty heart right up. After the pie, we drove down to an arcade. I consider myself good at video games; this man beat my ass in every game we played. I ended up playing Tetris by myself. I was pissed. I'm not competitive, but I want to win sometimes! I will get my revenge.
Off to the game! The week before, Barbara said to me, "Don't bring suede shoes because it's supposed to rain.” What did I do? I brought suede shoes. My weather app said it wasn’t going to rain! It rained the whole day. No jacket, suede shoes, ill-prepared. At the game, we waited in line to get in because there was a Bobblehead promotion. “The Catch” was a bobblehead recreating the amazing catch Andy Pages had in the 2025 World Series against the Blue Jays. I HAD to have it! As we were waiting, it began to POUR rain! Thankfully, Neel had an extra poncho and hooked me up. We were standing there just getting drenched, but we were in such good moods. We weren’t even pissed. I just couldn't help but laugh about it. Life. That's what that is.
I loved my time with Neel. I consider him the brother I never had. He provided me with time to just be myself. A clown. He gave me a safe space to cry. He supported me when I needed it. Neel was there for me when I least expected it. Neel continues to be the friend who continues to give and give. We are the same. We give as much as we can until we have nothing left to give. Neel is a strong man. He’s my friend, and I love him. I love his family. I also love the fact that I am blessed enough to just up and leave when I can. I will never forget where I came from.
Peace
